Saturday, October 01, 2005

Does Bush Exist?

It was the year 3742, and several world wars had decimated the population of earth. Very few historical records from the 20th and 21st centuries had survived, so historians made a good living piecing together these fascinating periods of human history. A particularly fierce debate between rival historians raged over a popular but enigmatic 21st century figure:
Ed: Hi, I'm Ed, and welcome to 'History Tomorrow', where we discuss the latest developments in historical research. This week we look at the enigmatic George W Bush, traditionally thought to have been the president of the United States at the start of the 21st century. The guests on tonight's show are Phonias J Futz, a member of the controversial 'Bush Seminar' - a group of scholars whose latest research and conclusions on George W Bush has created a storm in the scholarly community. We also have Professor Nathan Wright, former head of 21st century at Harvard and staunch defender of the traditional history of George W Bush.
Futz: Hi!
Wright: Good evening.
Ed: So, Mr Futz, who was George W Bush?
Futz: Basically, he was a Charismatic comedian and social commentator, who clearly had a large media following and attracted lots of fans.
Ed: So he wasn't the president of the United States?
Futz: We can be pretty sure he wasn't, in fact the office of 'president' never existed - it's pure legend. The United States were governed mainly by a monarchy.
Ed: Professor Wright, what do you think of this?
Wright: That's just silly. We have plenty of evidence to show that the United States were governed by presidents for many years and that George W Bush was one of them. There is no new evidence to refute this solid historical conclusion.
Ed: OK, Mr Futz, what have been the findings of the latest historical research on George W Bush? And what evidence do you have to back up such controversial conclusions?
Futz: Well, Ed, in my new book 'Meeting Dubya again for the first time', I draw a number of conclusions: firstly, that the traditionally accepted documents written about Bush, which are kind of shortish biographies, are flawed in several ways, being written nearly fifty years after Bush's death, and coloured with urban legend and hidden political agendas. Although they contain key facts and true statements made by Bush, it has been important to weed out some of the untrue material.
Ed: Such as what?
Futz: Well, for example parts where people refer to Bush as 'Mr President' and where Bush shows his 'presidential power' - these are obviously false.
Ed: So how have you decided what is real and unreal? Is this where the 'Z' document comes in?
Futz: Spot on Ed. Z has been ignored for so long, that not a lot of people know about it. Basically, Z is an early, accurate biography of George W Bush that the other four documents drew factual information from, before adding various false material.
Wright: This is ridiculous! Z was written in 2102, over 90 years later, and it's a badly written piece of propaganda that happens to quote the earlier accurate biographies! There is no evidence to show that it was written any time before this - it just fits nicely into you theory, so you are prepared to ignore 75 years of historical research just to make your incoherent argument sound more plausible!
Futz: I'm sorry Mr. Wright, but modern historical and archaeological scholarship has moved on since your day - the methods used to recreate the past are changing all the time, and theories evolve with it. You need to keep up with the latest research!
Ed: Ok, let's go back to your book, Mr Futz, I hear you are particularly dismissive of one of the traditional documents?
Futz: That's right Ed, one of them is written by a guy called John Smith - it is so full of false information and fabricated stories and myths that we have had to label the whole document a fake.
Ed: What sort of stuff does it contain which is particularly bad?
Futz: Well, Bush explicitly claims to be the president of the United States for a start - the document even records him making a presidential address to the nation! Obviously fictitious!
Wright: That's crazy! There is no reason for you to reject these accounts other than for the fact that they disagree with your theory!!!!
Futz: Oh come on, John Smith's biography was the last one to be written of the 4, so it was probably about 60-70 years after Bush's death - it is also the most explicitly presidential document. In Mark Jones' account, Bush was merely a powerful man, with political sway - in Smith's account; he is the most powerful man in the world! You can see the development of Bush's legendary status!
Wright: The biographies are merely telling the story from a different angle!
Futz: Really, Nathan - this is simple historical criticism - and you claim to be an expert on such issues!? Also, how do you explain some of the famous quotes Bush came out with? Sure, he made some stirring speeches, which is why he is still so popular and quotable today, but what about 'It's time for the human race to enter the solar system'? This is one of my favourite ancient jokes, but it's not something a president would say!
Ed: Ok, Professor Wright, in a recent newspaper article you pointed to Bush's death as the best piece of evidence that he was the president of the United States.
Wright: That's right - George W Bush was given one of the greatest send offs in history - it's recorded in Luke Williams' account. Over 10,000 people attended the funeral. He was given a 250-gun salute, and there was a national day of mourning.
Futz: Now there is no real reason to accept this account, it's written in Williams' flawed biography and it's obviously an exaggeration and shows all the signs of being legendary - nobody would be important or be popular enough for this kind of send-off.
Ed: So what do you think happened to George W Bush?
Futz: Well, after using the latest objective scholarly techniques we at the Bush Seminar have come to the conclusion that his body was eaten by dogs.
Ed: What kind of dogs, Phonias?
Futz: Probably a pack of wild ones.
Wright: (laughing) This is quite ridiculous - you haven't bought up a single piece of factual evidence yet - the truth is that we have four historical records saying clearly that George W Bush was the president of the United States, and nothing that contradicts it except a fake account written nearly 90 years later, which vaguely tries to reinvent Bush. There are no reasons to disbelieve any of these accounts unless you presuppose that George W Bush was not president of the United States, and reject any evidence that happens to contradict what you blindly believe. You are slurring the name of George Bush and making a mockery of the history of the United States.
Futz: Please calm down Nathan, I think you misunderstand me - I believe George W Bush was a great man, and we can learn a lot from him, I just think that the Bush of legend and the historical Bush need to be separated, so we can have a George Bush for the 25th century. The danger at the moment is that many people are pointing to Bush's patriotism, politics and faith and using them as an example for today's generation! This traditional image of Bush is then used as an icon by certain out of date politicians who want to turn America back into a democratic free market society!
Wright: That is exactly my point. You are trying to create a politically correct George Bush, rather than letting the historical facts speak for themselves. In your book, you openly admit that a lot of people are uncomfortable with Bush's patriotism, his conservative politics and his religion, and that your version of Bush is more culturally relevant. I mean, why bother having to deal with difficult historical evidence and awkward historical figures, why not just invent your own history?
Futz: Well that's a nice little conspiracy theory you have going but you well know that historical scholarship is just not as simple as that. Facts don't just speak for themselves - they have to be interpreted in a framework. I'd say your arguments are those of a desperate man - the average American no longer believes in the legendary President Bush
Ed: And a recent poll would tend to back up what you say, Phonias. 70% of the general public now believe that George W Bush was never the President of the United States.
Sadly, that's all we've got time for this week, so thanks to Phonias J. Futz and Professor Wright.
[Audience applauds] [END]

4 comments:

Ben Myers said...

This is hilarious stuff!

Ken said...

One Phonias J. Futz's colleagues has posted his own theories on the Historical Bush at my website... Great Fun.

Chris Tilling said...

Funny!
Just discovered your blog. Really like it!
All the best,
Chris

Jay said...

Hello Satan

I'm just back from a trip in the past and there seems to be a load of problems going on?

I'm here to cut the crap. I have had a terrible youth. Sex drugs and rock n roll.

Believe me you don't wanna go thru all this before understanding what I understood.

When I was a kid, I knew only of money, but did not know what to do. My father told me we are not perfect, but at least we do not steal.

So I stole all my life.

I wanted to be perfect.

Then I realized my parents disagreed about me on just about everything, from sexuality, to art, to music, to friends, girlfriends, even money.

Sorry , I did not know better.

The problem is this:

Some people are constantly trying to control the entire world. even on online games if they must.

Here, I said it. Some people sincerely try to control the population, because they believe it will be good for them.

They just don't know what's good for them.

What we fail to see is that there is also a population trying to save us.

This population also believes in the perfect functionment of your brain, but THEY DO NOT TRY TO ABUSE OF IT.

You can only achieve that if your concious and subconscious brain are connected.

If you even doubt that they are not connected, it means they arent.

Heck, even if you think they are connected, you would be wrong.

If they are connected, you KNOW they are connected. You don't doub't it. IF you truely know, you should even be able to play around with it. The fact that you can't, proves that you do not know how to do it, as hard as it can be to accept.

The solution is this: Relativity.

Your brain's concious and subconcious -cannot- have a relation unless all sections of your brain are working towards the same goal.

When you consider yourself of low value, you are mentally poor. You -do not know- what is good for you. Unless you are so unlucky, that you are jailed or killed without parole.

The proof that you do not know how to raise your own value is that you do not have money. If you truely knew, you would have money even if you did not want to. Your subconscious would want to. and you'd listen.

So what did I do ?

I did psychedelics, marijuana, stole, had a bad sex life, did not know where to look for an answer, and refused the answer real smart people were giving me.

I didnt want to solve my problems, i wanted to solve the entire planet's problems along the way.

I visited churches, poor people, sick people, sad people, and talked to them a lot, before realizing what truely was wrong with them all.

They dont -know- the solution

Oh they heard about it, but they dont believe in it that much. the fact is that no-one probably tried to convince you more than once.

So here I am, trying to tell the world how the brain truely works.

The only problem is this:

Only those who try to conquer the world really study those things.. because they are not born with a solution in them. They are born uncompleted, so that they may accomplish more work before believing. When people believe in Jesus, they usually do less work for one reason:

You think they are stupid and stop looking at them.

The reality is that they accept a reality that is so real, it fixes -all- their problems, for ever.

Sadly enough, those who try to free our world are always seen as those who try to destroy it.

Truth is, it's -true-

They try to destroy a system in which people cannot reflect logically.

What they fail to see is that there is already someone who did it.

Someone who figured out how the universe worked, and teached people about it. And it fixed all their problems. and we still remember all of them.

If you are lucky you probably carry one of their names. That's how much they affected history.

Then I realized all the work I did my entire life was truely to save no one but myself.

I had also made a choice to save the entire world along the way. I did not want to feel happy until I felt I had a total solution. I had to translate the bible to something understandable by the current language used, english.

And I just did.

Now, think just one minute. If there is a solution to all the concious-subconscious problems (brainwashing problems) in the world, and you would be the -first- to figure it out..

You would try to save everyone !

And what would happen?

Someone would kill you along the way!

Why?

You already know why. Such knowledge would be way too important to be accepted by some evil people in this world.

Well, one person did, and he died for it. He wanted to save you, he wanted to put your subconscious on-line, so that you would be more happy than him during his youth. And just because you havent been lucky either, does not mean no-one ever figured out a way to fix his problems.

Just because you decide that there is no god, does not mean there is not one. In fact there are many. There is just one universe, gods reflect the universe.

A god is simply someone who's brain truely functions, a perfect marriage between the conscious and the subconscious.

God is obviously the most abused word in history, but those who abuse it describe GOD as being a trinity.

The truth is the bible tells us that god IS jesus, not anything else. The bible is NOT trying to hurt you. It's telling you testimonies of bad things so that one day maybe youll recognize yourself in it and take the steps to fix your own.

Those who really love god dont teach the trinity, they teach jesus.

Yep, maybe he was right !

Jesus knew something so good, that everyone remembered him only for good things.

That's because his brain truely worked at 100%, and did not do thigns that would hurt himself.

What happens is this:

Jesus being the only true keyword to god, means that you actually need to believe in jesus BEFORE knowing what it feels like to have a relationship with god.

When you look at the universe, the info is stored in your subconscious.

Well, when you look at god, the info is stored in jesus.

It's the same darn thing.

It's just that no-one ever bothered translating the message to something we understood (scientific english) Simply because religious people do not believe in mixing religion and science, and vice versa.

Well sometimes we have to.

Simply because you want to avoid a keyword because you dont think it works, dosnt mean the knowledge behind it is false. You just dont want to admit that you are wrong, and your subconcious is right. It dosnt mean the keyword doesnt work, your just not ready to receive it.

Well sometimes they work.

Jesus is the name of a solution that has been floating around forever, making people happy along the way, yet the sad people refuse to accept him.

Wouldnt that make him sad?

Well, it made you sad all your life.

There are people who love you who do not know what to do, because you do not love them back.

What you fail to realize is that you hurt them truely and that they are sad because of you.

And the only way you are ever going to fix yourself, is if you FIX IT YOURSELF with the HELP of your sub-conscious.

And if you are so head strong to say, no, there is no god, just because a religion did not explain it well to you,

that'S why jesus cries

and thats why you cry too.

God